Kristi Pennington

Photo by Annett _99 on Unsplash

An act of kindness was well received, but unrelated comments wounded my heart.

The Joy of Service

It had been an almost perfect joy-filled day. God had given me strength and joy to accomplish much. One of the “accomplished” items on my list had been fulfilling a ministry of “service”. It had taken a lot of energy to meet this need.

But my heart was hurt

Was I ever surprised when some comments were made, seemingly our of nowhere, which took me to a place of intense emotional distress. Suddenly, in the midst of this fulfilling, sacrificial kindness, I experienced jealousy, anger, irritation, and judgement.

These emotions were most unwanted. I wanted to run from them or bury them, but I knew what would happen if I chose that option. I would be inviting bitterness toward this person that would bring distance between us. Yes, I was blind-sided, I was stunned that this happened . . .

I needed a listening ear . . .

I returned to the car and for a moment just sat bewildered at what happened, and bewildered at myself for these most unwanted thoughts of anger, jealousy, hurt, rejection and insecurity.

My conversation with myself went something like this,

“What do I do with this, God? I hate these thoughts, I hate these emotions. I hate how this is making me feel.”

Still in my insecurity, and uncertain of how he’d respond, I decided to explain the ordeal to my husband. I wondered if he’d just say things like, “You’re overacting; you’re being overly sensitive…”

My heart was heard

It was rather difficult explaining the scenario to him, but when I spit it all out, trying to make it as clear as possible, guess what happened? He understood. He didn’t shame me. He graced me by saying, “You know, you’re different from that person.”

He knew I was also feeling “less than” in the presence of the other person. He also said, “I like you like you are. I do understand how that made you feel.” And, guess what happened? My emotions settled. I had more clarity about what was going on. I was battling with intense insecurity.

God was not disappointed in me

I later sat with God talking, bringing all of what happened, to him in prayerful conversation. You know what? He wasn’t mad at me for having those emotions.

It does make Him sad though that we “humans” do still have to deal with these human emotions. I would love to eventually reach “sainthood” while walking here on planet earth, but I know that’s not going to happen. However, I do have the desire to be more and more transformed into the likeness of Christ.

The real issue when reflecting upon those feelings of irritation, anger, insecurity, and jealousy is what my reaction is after those emotions surfaced.

Relationships are messy

I had to ask myself the question, “Do I cease being in relationship with that person because of these unwanted feelings that emerged in our conversation?”

“Will I distance myself from this person so I won’t have to open myself to the possibility of being hurt again?”

And, in prayer, reflection, and self-awareness, I chose to try to discern what was really going on below the “water-line”.

I had forgotten my true identity

I realized I had forgotten who I was. I had forgotten my true identity. I’d gotten focused on comparing myself with someone else.

Even as I write I remember the battle of many years ago, after my sister died. I was angry at God for not having made me more like her. I finally settled all of that with God and with myself. I know this recent incident had some similarities with the former.

I am God’s Beloved

Yes, I’d forgotten who I was. I’d forgotten who God says I am. I’d forgotten what God says about me.

The most detrimental forgetting was I forgot God’s view of me. He sees me through eyes of love. Why the eyes of love? Because out of love He thought me up, designed me. He wanted me here. I have inner worth because of the “Who” who brought me into being.

My value does not hinge on the specific skills and abilities or kind of personality God gave me, but on God’s love for me.

This love of God for me and for everyone who belongs to Him is a love that is loyal, tender, kind, faithful, and unfailing. It is a love that can never change because God made a decision to love us humans no matter what. It’s a covenant love. He will never ever break this covenant love.

This perfect and holy God loves me, even imperfect me, who can still have what I consider “childlike” uncomfortable feelings that could make me “feel” unlovable, but I, and you must believe we are not ever unlovable to Him.

I rest in the truth

I get excited when I rest in this truth. This kind of love, Hesed love, means there’s an action that goes along with it. God shows His love to us through actions toward us every day.

Author Lois Tverberg says of Hesed love, “It intervenes on behalf of loved ones and comes to their rescue.”

Our greatest rescue was Jesus! He still rescues me every day!

Then, I in return, can demonstrate my love toward God, through worship, thanksgiving, and adoration. I can then respond to others by moving toward them with lovingkindness, even when it’s hard. God’s love will last forever.

0350When we choose to keep in step with the Spirit, abiding in Christ, we will bring Him glory through bearing fruit that will last forever. (John 15:5 & 15:16)

Thank you, Father

Father, thank you again for confirming that I am your Beloved Daughter. May I continually live out the words of this glorious hymn.

“Frail children of dust, and feeble as frail, in You do I trust, nor find you to fail.
Your mercies, how tender, how firm to the end, our Maker, Defender, Redeemer, and Friend!

O measureless Might, unchangeable Love, whom angels delight to worship above!
Your ransomed creation, with glory ablaze, in true adoration shall sing to your praise!”
O Worship the King, Robert Grant, 1833.

How has God been showing you His hesed, covenant love? How are you responding to Him in that love? I pray that you will receive His loving gaze today!